Pretending
by Ash-Castle
Summary: Remus is left alone after Sirius passed through the Veil. How do you go on, when your reasons are gone? One-shot.


**A/N**

**So…please don't hate me. This is darker than the fluff and fun I usually write. I wasn't going to, but this refused to go away. **

**Just a reminder I don't own anything in the Potterverse. If I did *goes misty eyed*…**

I watched him disappear from my life, a laugh still on his face. My last link to him in my arms. One I couldn't let go, and I resented him for that. I wanted to follow, but this boy meant more than my own feelings, he needed to be saved. He thought only he felt the pain. He had no idea. He broke free, and I sank to my knees, no longer able to contain my pain, I howled. Praying, hoping, somehow, wherever they were, they could hear my pain and know I bled for them.

-0-

I watch her laying there in our marriage bed. I only agreed so I could keep playing my part. I couldn't let them know inside I was all beast. The man had fallen through the veil. My body just didn't have the grace to stop breathing and let me go.

-0-

"I can't help but feel there is something you are hiding from me." He looks at me with those x-ray eyes. The twinkle gone, replaced with undeserved concern. I fight to keep Moony from challenging him. Hiding my suffering from the last man I trust.

"No Professor. There is nothing to tell." I try and fail to hold his eyes.

"They wouldn't want you to hold yourself responsible. You can't forget to live." He comes around the desk and puts a hand on my shoulder. It take all the will power I have left not to shake it off.

"Well I wouldn't know what they would want, now would I?" I hiss at him, getting up to leave.

"Please try. For Harry if no one else. He is part of them." I don't turn back. I decide right there to shove the pain down. Pretend to live for the people left behind.

-0-

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" I scream to the stars. I can't keep this pretense up. Everything is hollow. I only feel pain. It's a feeling I welcome now. I deserve the pain, a link to those who can no longer feel. The man I was pretending for is gone. Fallen from the tower I now stand on. I wonder if Moony could survive the jump.

-0-

"You can't keep going like this. You're going to kill yourself!" She screams at me, taking the bottle from my hand. I growl at her, taking it back.

"Don't ever touch this!" I yell back at her. She doesn't know it's my link to him. My voice hoarse from all the pain I'm trying to drown out. It's the constant voice in my head, reminding me I've failed. The boy is alive, but they are gone. I can't even reach out to him. The last link to my lost life.

_Failure… failure…FAILURE!_ The constant litany my only friend now. I take another sip, it no longer burns. Soon I will need a new way to free the pain in this shell.

"I'm pregnant" She tells me through tears. I want to care, but I can't. I didn't want this. I briefly remember agreeing to try. I thought maybe it would help. It doesn't. Now I wonder what hell I've unleashed on this world.

-0-

Full moon. I find myself among my brethren. My equals. The only ones who understand me now. Even after I take the potion I join them. Letting Moony take over. He fights and we relish in it. Each swipe of clawed paws tearing our hide. The pain seeping out. It's only in times like this I feel in control. The times I let him loose. This fight is over. We raise our bloodied muzzle to the heavens, and howl our victory and pain. Voices blend with ours, sharing the mixed feelings.

-0-

After a brush with death, a recklessness seizes me. A plan starts to form. But first I have to make sure they are safe. I would never be forgiven if something happened to my wife and unborn child.

I found them at Grimmauld Place. I hadn't wanted to come back here. Didn't want to face those memories. Yet somehow it was fitting. That I should enact my new plan at living here. A place where a man who had more life than any one I knew last resided. Seeing Harry I was filled with pride, and a deep sense of tiredness. I was still so lost, and here, the last connection to my friends stood. Surely if anyone understood, it would be him.

We talked about his mission. He wouldn't tell me what is was, and I was okay with that. I didn't need to know. I offered to help anyways. Secure in my knowledge that he wouldn't turn me down. I could play my part now, choose my way to leave this life, the way my friends had, by protecting our world's only hope. The closest thing I had left to family.

Hermione was looking at me strangely. "What about Tonks?"

"What about her?"

"Well," she frowned. "you're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?" How dare they question me! Instead of letting my anger show, I assured them she was fine. Confiding that she was pregnant.

When Harry accused me of wanted to play the dare devil, I knew he had seen through my pretense. He didn't understand! I grabbed at my hair, trying to explain what I'd done. The mistakes I made. He didn't understand. None of them. In my rage at their lack of sympathy, I let Moony slip through. Almost attacking the boy. I left. I realized now I wasn't safe around anyone.

-0-

I wandered for days. Letting Moony take control of my mind. Harry's words mixing with Dumbledore's in my mind. Finally finding myself in front of her house. I knew I needed to try and live again. At least pretend again. I went to her, and she welcomed me with open arms and a warmth that still wouldn't penetrate my soul.

-0-

Holding him I felt joy I hadn't felt in years. Here was something that I could be proud of.

"Harry should be godfather." I told her. She agreed. After all, it was thanks to him I was here, holding my joy.

-0-

The call to arms. This was my time. I knew it. I fought with all I had. Fully myself. In the midst of battle I fell. As I left this world, I knew I was leaving it a better place for those left behind. I was glad to go, knowing I would see them all again.

Opening my eyes, there was only white. Slowly shapes formed above me. As they clarified I began to feel whole again.

"Hey Moony." James helped me to my feet, his shock of black hair, still untamed.

"What a way to go." Sirius came forward and hugged me. Lily waited until Sirius let me go, tears ran down her face and she held her arms open. I ran into them.

"Oh Remus." She whispered and I let it all go. My monsters finally at peace.


End file.
